A sniper tried to kill me today. No big deal.
September 27, 2013 Teresa Downey 9 Comments
Guys! Snipers tried to kill me this morning.
I was just sitting at my desk (chillin out, maxin, relaxin all cool) when I saw something flash out of the corner of my eye. I figured it was a random reflection or headlight or something and went about my hectic daily schedule of eating tacos to mask my feelings about not wanting to work.
Then I saw it again! But this time I noticed that it flashed across my desk, then settled on my chest. And it was totally one of those red laser dots that come from sniper rifles! My life flashed before my eyes for a brief second. Then visions of all the tacos I wouldn’t eat and all the booty I wouldn’t shake in my future… Tragic.
But why! I’m just a regular person with no ties to organized crime and no government enemies besides the guys as the IRS who are usually pretty nice when I tell them I screwed up my freelance taxes again.
I thought to myself “Perhaps it’s a case of shenanigans.”
So I looked outside, because my brother and two of our friends live in the building next door and they’re all really fun/funny people who would probably get a good laugh out of pointing a laser light in my window and watching me scramble.
But – DUN DUN DUN. They are not home.
AND THE LASER IS STILL POINTED AT MY BODY. Granted, it’s my arm now, but still.
Then I decided Sallie Mae had finally sent some of those little fly-sized drone weapons to kill me (paid for by people who pay their student loans on time ). Or it’s one of my Twitter followers who was super annoyed by last night’s live tweeting of Grey’s Anatomy. And all the Napoleon Dynamite jokes I made about Brooks. (What? you have to sell a lot of Glamour Shots by Deb to pay for medical school!)
I’m not going to talk about the part where I actually got UNDER my desk for a minute because, look, I’m not proud.
So I was under my desk, sweating profusely and crawling toward my inhaler, when I experienced this sudden, unexpected bad-ass moment of bad-ass-ness, like J-Lo in Enough except more like ”come on, you’re not important enough for someone to murder. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!” I got out from under my desk, determined to find out where this sniper was hiding. And then I was going to go to said sniper and be like “what’s your deal!” and dazzle her with my unicorn mask personality and maybe become best friends who don’t kill each other with sniper rifles ride majestic steeds together.
After some extensive investigating (looking out my window a lot and hoping nobody saw my bra-less ladies wandering everywhere), it turns out my other neighbor (who everyone calls “the beach Nazi,” but that’s a story for another day) is having work done on her property. And the guys are using these drills and levels and things that have lasers on them. Because when you’re working on a rich lady’s beach house, you use fucking lasers. I don’t know. It’s science or something.
And these lasers are powerful enough to reach my body and maybe give me laser radiation cancer. But they’re not attached to weapons, so, alas, I live to eat tacos write another day.
It happens, right?